Thursday, June 3, 2010

"No, YOU are going to fuck me right now or I'm going to kill your faggot ass!"

"In case you haven't noticed, I happen to be the best piece of ass in this town." says queen bee skank- osaurus Chloe right before she mounts an innocent teen boy. There's many goofy scenes like this in 1999's deservingly forgotten DTV flop Lovers Lane. It's filled with cliches, Scream inspired self-aware dialogue, and a pretty cast of teens who just can't quite seem to emote as required by the script.

The story begins with a lame prologue 13 years earlier where two naked teens, parked on lovers lane, are terrorized in their car by a hook wielding madman. As they stumble out, hilariously, still trying to get their clothes on, they open the car next to them and find two dead adults.

Turns out it was the wife of the Sheriff and the husband of the female school principal. Cut to modern day and the Sheriff's cute daughter, Mandy, morphs into this...
Yeah, I was pretty shocked too.

Mandy is now a faux-lesbo, Goth chick, which, might I add, is very unbecoming of her, and it's getting closer to Valentine's Day, which so happens to be anniversary of her mama's death. Uh, oh!

The Pentecostal looking principal is busy taming her obvious wig and trying to win over the heart of her son, who appears to be anxiously waiting to hear from the Dawson's Creek casting director any day now. Uh, oh!
It looks like they'd have a lot in common!

Her son is dating said skankadoodle, Chloe, who is the daughter of the head of the mental institution where the hook man is currently shacked up in. She also has a pretty fierce temper, especially when she discovers that her and Dawson clone are through. Uh, oh!
Fierce, I tell ya!

Anna Faris plays a bubbly cheerleader! See, there is light at the end of the tunnel. She's too good for this movie and was the only person I was rooting for throughout the whole movie. I guess we all have to pay our dues somehow.

Yes, folks, that's about it. The hookman escapes (SHOCK!) and leaves this confusing message on his cell wall...
Um, ok. Thanks for letting us know!

Now, the kids decide to stage a party at lovers lane, because doesn't everyone love a good morbid party to commemorate the anniversary of a brutal massacre, especially when one of the victims' daughter is tagging along for the ride? The worst part is that our confused little Mandy doesn't seem particularly bothered by these shenanigans. Neither does Dawson clone! WTF???

So, they get stalked by the hookman wearing a hoodie and then they run to a farmhouse and yada, yada, yada! It's not too exciting or suspenseful and definitely not gory in the least, but it's a mildly serviceable made for Lifetime quality time killer.

The highlight of the film comes when the Sheriff and Pentecostal, long haired principal team up to find their kids. They got to the local bowling alley and ask a drunken teen where they are. He says he doesn't know, but when his inebriated girlfriend keeps yapping, the principal decks her right across the face for no reason. It's pretty amazing! Seriously, this actress takes histrionic to a whole other level. It also helps that, for some reason, she sort of reminds me of my awesome 7th grade religion teacher, Mrs. Cooper.  It almost made the movie for me. Almost!
No, Mrs. Cooper, there are other ways!

I don't really know what else to say, except that it does have a nifty, little twist. It's a bit convoluted, but I could see where they were going. It also leaves us with a nonsensical shocker ending, which just feels more than a little pointless. It's not really worth your time unless you just happen to have a lot on hand.
Inebriated girl agrees!

4 out of 10 histrionic slaps across the face of an inebriated teen girl!


  1. that dude is wearing a you sweater

  2. Wow! That's true! It's probably why people used to tell me that I reminded them of Dawson. I should probably never wear one of those again.