First, let's inspect the creepy as balls trailer! Seriously, it's, like, one of the best trailers ever!
THE Silent Scream? Isn't that some abortion video? Shit, did I get the wrong movie again?
Silent Scream (or THE Silent Scream as the title card says) starts with a bizarre slow motion police raid on a spooky old mansion, where they discover a gruesome surprise in the attic. From there, we are taken to a super exciting university campus registration session where we are greeted by these beautiful faces...
Um, are you turned on yet? I'm hard as a rock!
One Sally Jessy Raphael bespeckled nutjob, who appears to be either reading from a cue card or in some sort of zen trance, asks pleadingly "Can you tell me where I can get my library card? I need my library card." as if she's a little girl who's just lost her mother in the supermarket.
Sally Jessy called, she wants her glasses back!
I'll never understand why in the Hell women used to want to look like Sally Jessy Raphael. I remember my mom having a pair of those damn glasses too. Was there a period when women were trying to all look hideous?
THIS isn't a good look for anyone!
We meet Scotty (adorable Rebecca Balding) who might sport an unfortunate fluffy hairdo, but at least she's a charmer. After being told that on campus housing is full, Scotty goes on a delightful, zany montage where she meets a wacky assortment of characters. Seriously, these characters are wacky!
Finally, Scotty arrives at a beautiful, but spooky old mansion perched on a cliff right by the sea.
Damnit, Scotty, I trusted you to be the attractive one!
Seems perfect, but once we meet Mason (Brad Reardon), the awkward teenage son of the owner and the other tenants, we just know poor Scotty is about to take one wild ride.
Could he be any more awkward?
There's goof ball Doris (Juli Andelman) and with a name like Doris, how could she not be at least slightly goofy.
Shit, Doris, not you too! I hope Sally Jessy got a profit off this movie!
Professional ass hole Peter (Jack Widelock).
Just look at that smug bastard!
and let's not forget obvious hunky love interest Jack (Steve Doubet).
Yes, there's a saxophone solo on the soundtrack right now.
It's a strange, eccentric group that one wouldn't find in films these days. First of all, none of them really look like professional models like they all do today (even though Rebecca Balding is quite the cutie) and they're all pretty, eh, quirky.
Blow, doris, Blow!
Did I forget to mention that Scotty meets the silent Mrs. Engels (Yvonne DeCarlo) in the attic? Yes, Ms. DeCarlo isn't the only star slumming it here. We've got Cameron Mitchell AND funnyman Avery Schreiber as cops.
Truth be told, every time they come on screen, the plot screeches to a grinding halt.
After a night on the town, ass wipe Peter tries to fondle Doris spouting such romantic dialogue as "Doris, d